Isn't It Ironic?

Many of you will know that I am petrified of dogs. They are evil, no matter what size or shape they come in they are all evil.
Many of you will have read Will Feeding the Lambs make up for the dog licking you? and laughed but for me this is a serious thing.

Dogs Teeth

Firstly have you seen their teeth!! Sharp and just waiting to clamp down on that juicy arm or leg of yours. And trust me they will if they get the chance!

He wont hurt you!

Its always the same I go into someone's house see a dog, freeze, and they always say. Oh are you scared? don't be he's lovely the softest stupidest thing ever, he wont hurt you, and there it is stalking me, growling, spit foaming at its jaw.

Once whilst stood outside in the cold on location myself and Dimmock where chatting over a cup of tea, next to a van thats back door was slightly ajar. Being on location there always a million vans loading and unloading equipment and stuff so you really don't bat an eyelid at these sorts of things.

So there we where chatting away when i Hear a growl right behind my head. Now we where on a paranormal show at the time but still we where outside and the only thing behind me was a van so where was this noice coming from?

42 Sharp pointy teeth 

I look at Dimmock who is looking shocked and trying to tell me something. There is a smell of rotten meat wafting into my nose and I can feel the heat from the breath on the back of my head. My heart has stopped. Dimmock is leaning forward and grabbing my arm, pulling me towards them. I slowly turn my head, to become face to face with 42 sharp pointy teeth growling at me. Panic sets in, and I don't know what to do. Dimmock is trying to pull me away, to protect me, but I'm frozen to the spot. I am about to be eaten by a monster and my last living breath will be in a disused mental asylum.

Suddenly a voice shouts "Stand Still!". Thats alright then because I cant move anyway, I'm thinking. I'm about to be ripped apart by a dog and I'm being told to stand still. I instantly realise I'm screaming. the dog is growling in my face and all I'm doing is screaming back at it! Thats really going to protect me!

Immediately the growling stops and the dog sits back down inside the van. Maybe my screaming did help?

maybe my screaming did protect me!

From behind a short stocky man appears an moves me to the side walks over to the van and slips a lead on the dog takes him out of the van and walks him towards me! Is he MAD? Dimmock steps in front of me and shields me as the dog handler explains he is the site security and he left the door open so the dog had some air. He didn't realise people would be stood around there. I've certainly learnt my lesson there, never stand next to and open van.

After all this I went to work on a show about a lucky dog! on this occasion it was a statue so I thought I would be ok, until the presenter of the show had to rescue me in the park when a dog owner had let theirs off the lead and it came running straight at me. No one else in the crew just me!! I'm holding a camera and a tripod and I cant just drop them and run, luckily The Presenter stepped forward and scooped the little dog away before the owner put it back on a lead. Informing me that dogs where going to be banned from the park soon! Couldn't be soon enough in my books!

Oh the Irony! dressed as a dog.

From there to a children's art show where Whippet had to rescue me a number of times, until it came to the final day of filming. The whole team had to be involved dressed as various characters. A few days before the costumes arrve inthe office and the arre divvied up according to their sizes, wizards, cavemen, teddy bears, a monkey, a lobster and a cat.  Everyone is handed costumes then it comes to me, the costume the Series producer has picked for me is a DOG! Oh the irony!





I spend the afternoon dressed as a dog in a field directing 50 children and adults around, then have to dance with a circle! Isn't TV Glamorous!

Forever Friends

People might say reading my previous posts that I was disillusioned with TV but I am not. I love working in TV and all that entails if I didn't I would have got out long ago and got a boring 9-5, but frankly I couldnt think of anything worse.

Friends

In the industry you meet so many different people and like I said in TV a family affair its not what you know its who you know. The people I would call my best friends I met working in the industry and even though one has migrated to a 9-5 and we dont see each other as often as we used to I still know Dimmock is willing me on.

Mental Asylum

We met on my first day at the studios working in Manchester. We have worked together on many shows since and have been through lots of random TV experiences together. Exploring a derelict Mental asylum and locking Dimmock in a cell was great fun although a little cold. I think it snowed while we were there. We survived the delirium of the white corridor together and over many cups of coffee and cake have planned or futures.

White corridor

Jet2 is another person I met whilst working on the long white corridor. We have been on holiday together and as they often work abroad I got to have a cheap holiday staying out in Menorca with them, this wasn't my finest hour I got horribly drunk, sang meatloaf, spoke german, was sick all the way home, thought I was going to die before going snorkelling, and got food poisoning. Their boss now refers to me as the "sick friend"! I will tell you all about this at another time as it has nothing to do with working in TV! Whilst working with Jet2 on a dating show we encountered many a funny story involving London being in Britain and how a microphone works.

And of course I met Whippet if someone will save you from a dog then you cant not be their friend.


So through working in TV I have met some of my closest friends, I have met good friends and I have made a lot of connections, this industry can be a small place and you can bump into people on different jobs that you haven't seen for ages or that you always seem to be working with. But I love it.

"Will feeding the lambs a bottle make up for the dog licking you?"

They say you should never work with children or animals. On a job last year I managed to ignore this rule and work with both. Que me standing crying and the location assistant Whippet trying to protect me.

Now I should clarify I hate children and never want any myself but when the call came to work on a new show I took it and thought sod it, I can ignore the kids most of the time. Never did I think I would come across animals and especially not my mortal enemy the DOG.

I have this fear that they are going to eat me. No really they are. They are going to bite the muscle on the back of my leg, rip it off, in that dog with a toy playing pull kind of way, and run off with my calf muscle between its teeth, snarling as it goes. This is a fact. There is no convincing me otherwise I know this will happen if one gets close enough. I cross the street if I see one walking along and if one gets near me I freeze and it growls. It can be the nicest dog in the world as soon as it gets near me it growls, this really doesn't help!

Now Whippet is a dog lover and we where driving round attending auditions at kids houses. Most just have a cat and I love cats, my own Tibby is a very glamorous cat. So I'm quite content photographing the filming area and listening to the audition. until we ring the bell of a house and from behind the door I here the growl, low and constant like and engine, sensing the danger I swap places with Whippet figuring I can throw them to the dog and save my own  life.

The door opens.........the dog bounds out topples Whippet and goes straight for me. Its like they know I'm scared and attack me as easy prey. EVIL is what they are EVIL.  The owner saves me from the dog by pulling it away, "I'll just lock it in the garden", great I'm thinking I need to  photo the garden and it will eat me then!

Whippet held the tiny dog like Blofled

Realising that I needed access to the garden they lock the doberman in the Garage and we wonder into the kitchen where I am confronted by a tiny yappy dog that again goes straight for me. Screaming like a girl I again push Whippet at it and try and fend it off with my handbag. Eventually Whippet holds the tiny dog whilst the audition takes place and strokes it like a scene from James Bond with Blofeld and the cat. I go outside to photograph the garden whilst out there the Doberman escapes the Garage and heads straight for me, panicking I don't know which fate is worse killed by the doberman or get inside and let the tiny dog kill me.........I choose the kitchen and think the tiny dog will do less damage I grab the door and the door handle wont open, shaking the handle up and down the doberman is gaining on me and my heart is racing. In the nick of time the door opens i fly through and slam it shut whilst the owner and the child auditioning look on in amusement.


After this ordeal I am confronted by a number of small dogs and loads that owners lock away from me until we get to a lovely house on a farm. The farmers dog is massive and I mean massive, the farmer locks him away in the playroom and I'm happily watching the audition and chatting, suddenly this massive dog has escaped the prison of the playroom and is heading straight at me, I scream and freeze, my body wont function, Whippet tries to squeeze between me and the dog to push it away from me but its too late, my eyes well up, tears start to run down my cheeks I can feel something wet and warm trickling down my arm.

Is it blood, do I still have a hand, OH MY GOSH I think I want to die, I look down expecting to see my arm ripped from its socket but no, the massive dog has ........... Licked me. I feel sick, embarrassed I'm stood in someones house the representative of this new programme and I'm crying because a dog has licked me.

Bottle feeding the Lambs

Whippet is doing there best to move the dog away from me but its not helping and the farmer looks at me with pity, "Will feeding the lambs a bottle make up for the dog licking you?" "Yes" I whimper lip quivering and tears still rolling down my cheeks. and to be fair bottle feeding the lambs did make it up for it but only just.

In this industry you come across things you don't expect in all sorts of places. I once found a dog in the middle of the make up room at a studios, having worked there for 3 years and wondered through that room most days and some days 10-12 times the last thing I expected to see was a dog, especially in the middle of the building. wondering in completely unaware I look up from my clipboard to see two eyes and a set of teeth coming straight at me. screaming I drop my clipboard run out of make up and back to the corridor of delirium. telling Ugly Betty and Dimmock what had happened they look at me bemused has she just been standing on the corridor to long? is she mad? After disappearing to investigate they return with news I'm not mad there is a dog in there but its only a little one!

So the outcome of the story is to expect the unexpected the things you hate and least expect will appear when you never thought they would.

I have never taken a motorway exit at 80mph

It was great being a runner and under 25 it meant that you didn't have to drive the hire cars. The only down side is the fact someone else was and not always competently!

smallest car

As a runner I have driven many a hire car and they always come in one extreme or the other. Either the company is trying to save as much money as possible and you end up with the worlds smallest car or your expected to drive everyone around and you get a MPV. there rarely is a middle ground.

There's the old joke isn't there "What's the fastest car?..... A hire Car!" well it certainly isn't any hire car I have driven. I recently had a Vauxhall corsa hired to me for work, I predominately had to use it to get to and from the big cities on the motorway. There was just me and my friend Whippet (I'll explain the name in my next blog) so a small car wasn't a problem to get everyone in, the only problem was with my foot to the floor trying to join the motorway was a life threatening situation. My own car is a moderate one and easily handles the speed required to drive anywhere, this hire car however had clearly never heard of 70mph. With whippet clung to the dashboard eyes closed it would have been easier if the footwells disappeared and like Fred Flintstone and we could run.

Legs out the footwells to go anywhere!

Before I was 25 though it was no safer. On one job we where traveling in an MPV to Wales. It was a cold October and raining. My best friend Dimmock  (after meeting my aging Grandparent they announced she looked like Charlie Dimmock, she doesn't and they are going blind but still!) and I were in the back and the window wipers were working flat out. The runner driving although had passed their test many years ago lived in a city centre and didn't have a car. Not used to driving let alone driving a MPV full of people the journey was never going to go well. Ugly betty was already on location and waiting for our arrival. With no Sat Nav it was a miracle we where heading in the right direction.  Heading down the motorway rain lashing down Dimmock and myself began to look at each other in horror as we swerved violently between lanes the driver not even looking round to check it was safe. Turning the wheel suddenly as if driving a rally car we where thrown around in our seats.
abruptly we flew off the motorway round a sharp bend almost rolling the MPV, as the window wiper flew off Dimmock and I closed our eyes and held hands, this was our moment, this is how we were going to die!
No we where just leaving the motorway this was our exit! I have never taken a motorway exit at 80mph and will never be doing so again. Heart in my mouth I looked at Dimmock and nearly cried. As the journey continued in the same violent manor Dimmock reached for her phone. sending a message to Ugly Betty "We are all about to die!"

Finally shaking and without minus a window wiper we arrived on set, Ugly Betty greeting us with news that they had put another runner on the insurance and they would now drive!

Hire cars do have a benefit though, you get to test drive lots of cars and know which ones not to buy for yourself!