The Law of the Sod

Working as a freelancer is odd.

Waiting for the phone to ring

You have periods where you dont stop working, and periods when your phone rings and you pounce on it in anticipation of a job only to find its a marketing company wanting to help you get a refund on your no existent credit card or loan repayments.

These lulls in work make you doubt whether you are in the right job, should you just get a nine to five?
What job would I do if I did?

Lounging on the Sofa

Then just as your sat on the sofa in your pyjamas watching Flog It at 3 in the afternoon contemplating whether your having microwave noodles or toast for tea, the phone rings and your asked if you can get to Leeds in the morning for a one day shoot. RELIEF!!

One day jobs as a freelancer invariably lead to more work if you prove yourself on that first day. So you have to make the right impression.

So your job extended to three weeks and then your phone does not stop ringing. Job offers roll in from across the TV world and as your already working all you can say is "I'm Sorry I'm already booked". All good you think but why couldn't they have rang last week when you where starving hungry and wondering whether it was OK to put the heating on or to buy food instead. Its defiantly Sods Law.

Procrastinating

The quiet period is good though if you put the time to good use. I tend to have good intentions to write a  few synopsis's and maybe add a few chapters to my book. Instead I find myself procrastinating, drinking hot chocolate sat watching Gilmore Girls and arranging coffee outings with Jet2 and Dimmock. As Dimmock gave up on the TV industry in this country and got themselves a nine to five, coffee outings have changed to evening dinner outings instead, cheap places mind you, Im not working remember and dont know when the next job will be, so cant be splashing the cash!

Coffee Outings

So coffee is arranged in town with Jet2 and dinner the following evening with Dimmock and then your phone rings. A weeks work in London starting tomorrow on an emergency conference. You cant say no so you cancel your plans and find yourself booking rooms in London and looking at the best way to get there. At least Jet2 and Dimmock have worked in the industry and understand when you have to cancel, but family can be a tad upset, but this is your career and you have to do it to get to where you want to be.

So Tv isn't Glamorous, especially when your sat at home with unwashed hair and wishing the phone to ring, but you cant be disheartened when your not working, think of other things you can be doing, and invariably when you make plans that phone will ring. If you really want to work in TV you have to be determined.

"Will feeding the lambs a bottle make up for the dog licking you?"

They say you should never work with children or animals. On a job last year I managed to ignore this rule and work with both. Que me standing crying and the location assistant Whippet trying to protect me.

Now I should clarify I hate children and never want any myself but when the call came to work on a new show I took it and thought sod it, I can ignore the kids most of the time. Never did I think I would come across animals and especially not my mortal enemy the DOG.

I have this fear that they are going to eat me. No really they are. They are going to bite the muscle on the back of my leg, rip it off, in that dog with a toy playing pull kind of way, and run off with my calf muscle between its teeth, snarling as it goes. This is a fact. There is no convincing me otherwise I know this will happen if one gets close enough. I cross the street if I see one walking along and if one gets near me I freeze and it growls. It can be the nicest dog in the world as soon as it gets near me it growls, this really doesn't help!

Now Whippet is a dog lover and we where driving round attending auditions at kids houses. Most just have a cat and I love cats, my own Tibby is a very glamorous cat. So I'm quite content photographing the filming area and listening to the audition. until we ring the bell of a house and from behind the door I here the growl, low and constant like and engine, sensing the danger I swap places with Whippet figuring I can throw them to the dog and save my own  life.

The door opens.........the dog bounds out topples Whippet and goes straight for me. Its like they know I'm scared and attack me as easy prey. EVIL is what they are EVIL.  The owner saves me from the dog by pulling it away, "I'll just lock it in the garden", great I'm thinking I need to  photo the garden and it will eat me then!

Whippet held the tiny dog like Blofled

Realising that I needed access to the garden they lock the doberman in the Garage and we wonder into the kitchen where I am confronted by a tiny yappy dog that again goes straight for me. Screaming like a girl I again push Whippet at it and try and fend it off with my handbag. Eventually Whippet holds the tiny dog whilst the audition takes place and strokes it like a scene from James Bond with Blofeld and the cat. I go outside to photograph the garden whilst out there the Doberman escapes the Garage and heads straight for me, panicking I don't know which fate is worse killed by the doberman or get inside and let the tiny dog kill me.........I choose the kitchen and think the tiny dog will do less damage I grab the door and the door handle wont open, shaking the handle up and down the doberman is gaining on me and my heart is racing. In the nick of time the door opens i fly through and slam it shut whilst the owner and the child auditioning look on in amusement.


After this ordeal I am confronted by a number of small dogs and loads that owners lock away from me until we get to a lovely house on a farm. The farmers dog is massive and I mean massive, the farmer locks him away in the playroom and I'm happily watching the audition and chatting, suddenly this massive dog has escaped the prison of the playroom and is heading straight at me, I scream and freeze, my body wont function, Whippet tries to squeeze between me and the dog to push it away from me but its too late, my eyes well up, tears start to run down my cheeks I can feel something wet and warm trickling down my arm.

Is it blood, do I still have a hand, OH MY GOSH I think I want to die, I look down expecting to see my arm ripped from its socket but no, the massive dog has ........... Licked me. I feel sick, embarrassed I'm stood in someones house the representative of this new programme and I'm crying because a dog has licked me.

Bottle feeding the Lambs

Whippet is doing there best to move the dog away from me but its not helping and the farmer looks at me with pity, "Will feeding the lambs a bottle make up for the dog licking you?" "Yes" I whimper lip quivering and tears still rolling down my cheeks. and to be fair bottle feeding the lambs did make it up for it but only just.

In this industry you come across things you don't expect in all sorts of places. I once found a dog in the middle of the make up room at a studios, having worked there for 3 years and wondered through that room most days and some days 10-12 times the last thing I expected to see was a dog, especially in the middle of the building. wondering in completely unaware I look up from my clipboard to see two eyes and a set of teeth coming straight at me. screaming I drop my clipboard run out of make up and back to the corridor of delirium. telling Ugly Betty and Dimmock what had happened they look at me bemused has she just been standing on the corridor to long? is she mad? After disappearing to investigate they return with news I'm not mad there is a dog in there but its only a little one!

So the outcome of the story is to expect the unexpected the things you hate and least expect will appear when you never thought they would.