"I think I saw you on TV!"

The dreaded words you dont want to hear as someone who works behind the camera is "I think I saw you on TV last night!"....

Hiding behind Lord Seb Coe

If you are it means you were either not doing your job right or the director made a mistake and cut to the wrong camera. This is the main worry on a live programme when you do your upmost not to be seen. All crew mostly wear black to blend into the background and most of your time is spent avoiding being seen rather than making the programme. I am forever spending my time diving to the ground hiding behind the audience or behind the scenery. This week Lord Seb Coe became my human shield on a BBC debate.

This was an unusual day as we were given crew tops when we arrived that were white. White is not a good TV colour. It glows on most backgrounds and adds a halo around you, and all TV environments are filthy.

Wet Paint

The equipment is dirty the floor is dirty and there is wet paint and dust everywhere. After picking up the camera I had black streaks down my nice white top. All I did was pick it up! During rehearsals you plan out your shots and where and where you cant fit. At the same time the set team are touching up the set covering over marks and moving the set after lighting and cameras point out gaps or symmetry errors. so stepping backwards I walk into a screen that wasn't there originally and has just been painted I now have a nice blue line down my back. Now if I was wearing black this would have been fine as you wouldn't really be able to see it, but white shows up everything and now I look like I'm part of the set team not the camera department! As the show starts I'm onto my third crew top and the Unit Manager is beginning to think I'm stockpiling them or something to sell on.

Wide Shot

So you do your upmost to avoid being seen and still someone says they have seen you... on a live show at some point this is inevitable as things happen and people don't stop on the mark they where supposed too, someone says something different that throws the action somewhere unexpected or you are simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. But on a pre recorded programme its very unusual. This means that there has been a mistake and to cover it they have cut to a wide shot, this is usually a camera on a lock off at the back of the room, an unmanned camera just there as a back up. Sometimes they use this out of context to cover up a jolt, or a boom that slips in, or a shadow, and you can see yourself in a wide when you know at that point you were somewhere else entirely.

"Will feeding the lambs a bottle make up for the dog licking you?"

They say you should never work with children or animals. On a job last year I managed to ignore this rule and work with both. Que me standing crying and the location assistant Whippet trying to protect me.

Now I should clarify I hate children and never want any myself but when the call came to work on a new show I took it and thought sod it, I can ignore the kids most of the time. Never did I think I would come across animals and especially not my mortal enemy the DOG.

I have this fear that they are going to eat me. No really they are. They are going to bite the muscle on the back of my leg, rip it off, in that dog with a toy playing pull kind of way, and run off with my calf muscle between its teeth, snarling as it goes. This is a fact. There is no convincing me otherwise I know this will happen if one gets close enough. I cross the street if I see one walking along and if one gets near me I freeze and it growls. It can be the nicest dog in the world as soon as it gets near me it growls, this really doesn't help!

Now Whippet is a dog lover and we where driving round attending auditions at kids houses. Most just have a cat and I love cats, my own Tibby is a very glamorous cat. So I'm quite content photographing the filming area and listening to the audition. until we ring the bell of a house and from behind the door I here the growl, low and constant like and engine, sensing the danger I swap places with Whippet figuring I can throw them to the dog and save my own  life.

The door opens.........the dog bounds out topples Whippet and goes straight for me. Its like they know I'm scared and attack me as easy prey. EVIL is what they are EVIL.  The owner saves me from the dog by pulling it away, "I'll just lock it in the garden", great I'm thinking I need to  photo the garden and it will eat me then!

Whippet held the tiny dog like Blofled

Realising that I needed access to the garden they lock the doberman in the Garage and we wonder into the kitchen where I am confronted by a tiny yappy dog that again goes straight for me. Screaming like a girl I again push Whippet at it and try and fend it off with my handbag. Eventually Whippet holds the tiny dog whilst the audition takes place and strokes it like a scene from James Bond with Blofeld and the cat. I go outside to photograph the garden whilst out there the Doberman escapes the Garage and heads straight for me, panicking I don't know which fate is worse killed by the doberman or get inside and let the tiny dog kill me.........I choose the kitchen and think the tiny dog will do less damage I grab the door and the door handle wont open, shaking the handle up and down the doberman is gaining on me and my heart is racing. In the nick of time the door opens i fly through and slam it shut whilst the owner and the child auditioning look on in amusement.


After this ordeal I am confronted by a number of small dogs and loads that owners lock away from me until we get to a lovely house on a farm. The farmers dog is massive and I mean massive, the farmer locks him away in the playroom and I'm happily watching the audition and chatting, suddenly this massive dog has escaped the prison of the playroom and is heading straight at me, I scream and freeze, my body wont function, Whippet tries to squeeze between me and the dog to push it away from me but its too late, my eyes well up, tears start to run down my cheeks I can feel something wet and warm trickling down my arm.

Is it blood, do I still have a hand, OH MY GOSH I think I want to die, I look down expecting to see my arm ripped from its socket but no, the massive dog has ........... Licked me. I feel sick, embarrassed I'm stood in someones house the representative of this new programme and I'm crying because a dog has licked me.

Bottle feeding the Lambs

Whippet is doing there best to move the dog away from me but its not helping and the farmer looks at me with pity, "Will feeding the lambs a bottle make up for the dog licking you?" "Yes" I whimper lip quivering and tears still rolling down my cheeks. and to be fair bottle feeding the lambs did make it up for it but only just.

In this industry you come across things you don't expect in all sorts of places. I once found a dog in the middle of the make up room at a studios, having worked there for 3 years and wondered through that room most days and some days 10-12 times the last thing I expected to see was a dog, especially in the middle of the building. wondering in completely unaware I look up from my clipboard to see two eyes and a set of teeth coming straight at me. screaming I drop my clipboard run out of make up and back to the corridor of delirium. telling Ugly Betty and Dimmock what had happened they look at me bemused has she just been standing on the corridor to long? is she mad? After disappearing to investigate they return with news I'm not mad there is a dog in there but its only a little one!

So the outcome of the story is to expect the unexpected the things you hate and least expect will appear when you never thought they would.